Music

Music has always been a big part of my life.  When I was around 11, I remember hanging with a friend of mine in the basement of our house in Topeka, Kansas, listening to the first Beatles album.  His name was David Caddy.  I remember him as a hyper, chubby kid who used to love singing and jumping on me and knocking me over.  He, or we, would laugh and laugh at nothing really, all the while music playing in the background on the the record player.  "She loves you yea, yea, yea."  One Sunday my family went to the grand opening of a new Sears and Roebuck's store.  What band was playing at the opening of the new store?  The Kingsmen, " Louie, Louie".  I was mesmerized.  I remember thinking they were so cool.
      Topeka was about sixty miles from Kansas City. and I heard on the radio that the Beatles were touring the US and coming to Kansas City.  OMG.  When my Air Force military, short haircut, Colonel father came home that night I ran around like a banshie screaming, "The Beatles are coming, the Beatles are coming.  Please, Please, Please can I go? Can I, can I, can I?"  Well, you know the rest of the story. I had about as much chance of going to see the Beatles as I did driving there myself.  No, didn't go, but I was hooked.
      At age 12, on a vacation to San Diego, we visited Tijuana for the day.  "Dad, Dad, can we get this 12 dollar guitar?...Please, Please, Please."  Seems I was always begging.  "Cost too much," he said,  and "you don't know how to play".  We made several trips back to the little vender shack and finally my dad relented and bought the guitar for a few bucks.  My first guitar.  Sadly, the neck broke off from the body on the drive home.  My older brother thought this the funniest thing EVER.  Teased me till I cried.    Fortunately, the miracle of Elmer's glue had already been invented and I was back in action shortly after we got back to Kansas.  From there it is history:  G chord, C chord and D chord, ha, I can play a thousand songs.
    Well, I did stick with it and music has been a very huge part of my life.  I don't know how much time I have spent playing the guitar and mandolin but I know I should be a lot better than I am for all the time I've put in.  I've met a lot, if not most, of my really close friends through music and playing together.  Now I am surrounded with people who play music.  What a joy it is to have 10 or 15 people in the living room just raging on old tunes.  Picking and a grinnin.  Jane even grabs a couple of spoons now and then and chimes along.  The best is playing with all ages, young and old,  playing all our old tunes, so, so fun.  Hard to wipe the smile off. 
    In 1970 I found myself in Detroit, Michigan.  I was flirting with the US Army draft and playing at a local Holiday Inn for drinks.  I saved all my work money for the year and walked into a guitar shop and bought me my first real guitar.  A 1970 D-35 Martin guitar.  It has been a good friend and companion ever since.
     I was giving it a good cleaning last night and replacing the strings when a flood of emotion and  memories came over me thinking of all the places "this ole guitar and me" have been.  I can't really believe I still have her.  Three years traveling in the army, traveling all over the country. living here and there. Lost, theft or damage was never far from my mind.  But I have to say,  I have never had a close call or a worry that she'd been lost or damaged.  She is in super shape for 44 years old.  Sounds like a bell and looks like she's twenty.  I have other guitars, but if I ever had to sell or give away every guitar I have, this is the one I would want to keep to play.
     Music has helped me get through some really tough times.  ( Like now)  I am sure we all have a few songs that the instant you hear them, you are transformed to another place and time.  Oh, there are so many good songs.  During radiation I get to listen to music.  Last week, while trying to relax and meditate, some Russian Battle hymn came on pandora.  It was very distracting and difficult to tolerate.  Then yesterday, one of my favorite songs to meditate, relax and transcend to, played.  "Somewhere in Time" by John Barry.  It is the theme song for the movie.  I don't know why, but this song moves me. My current favorite acoustic guitar song is the tune  "This Ole Guitar and Me"  by Vince Gill. Take a listen to it if you don't know it. I usually have to have a tissue close by.
I have other songs that resonate with me and I hope you do, too.  .   Namaste 
                                                                   

My 1970 Martin D-35 Guitar...

     
    

Anatomy

     The nasopharynx and pharynx. I have had a lot of questions from friends and family about just what is the nasopharynx?   I reviewed my anatomy books and googled a few sites.  I was disappointed in what little respect this incredible little organ receives.  So I am going to do my best to clear things up.  I will start with the lips and the nose.
    The lips. Think of all the special times the lips have been a part of many of our most memorable moments.  The lips help us speak, but I view them as a sensory organ.  The sense of touch has been with us since birth (and probably in utero).  We quickly add the oral phase to our lives.  One of the first things a baby does is grab something and,  yep, right to the mouth.  Then at sixteen ( for me my first girlfriend-type kiss was third grade)  we begin showing our love or lust with a kiss.  Remember your REAL first tender kiss? Soft, warm, moist. Did it make your lips tingle?
     Just behind the lips lies the tongue.  Another sensory organ.  An organ critical for taste.  Critical for eating, and speaking.  An organ that sticks well to cold metal.  I have some of my cancer at the very base of my tongue.
      The next area is at the roof of the mouth, the hard and soft palate.  You can feel the hard palate with the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth.  This feels hard because there is a bone under there. As you walk your tongue towards the back of your throat you will feel it get soft.  This is the beginning of the soft palate.  That's the junction of the hard and soft palate.  This is also where the nasopharynx connects to the oropharnynx .
      The nasoparnynx starts at the nose.  Although, cute, button-like, or a snoz like mine, it has two holes in it.  We can suck air into the nose where we have an incredible set of nerves that give us this gift of smell, and interacts with taste as well.   Wow.  Smell a glass of wine. My daughter can pick out minute smells in different wines.  I know she can cause she says, "Close your eyes and see if you can smell charcoal."  OMG, I can.  "See if you can smell wet grass?"  Yes a hint.  "What else can you smell?"  It takes practice.  We smell flowers. oils, foods, spices, the earth, everything.   This also takes practice.  It also allows us to identfy things so we don't have to taste them.  Three guys walking down the street,  they stop at some doggy poo.  Looks like poo one says,  smells like poo, says another.   OK , better not step in it.   
     The junction of the soft and hard palate leads to the the throat.  The throat houses your tonsils, uvula, epiglotis, vocal cords  and trachea. This part is not too sexy, unless you have a voice like Frank Sinatra.  Mine sounds like a heard of geese farts flying north.
     So, I hope that helps,  I have cancer,  but it is getting smaller.  I can tell since my lymph nodes in my neck are much reduced.  The cancer is at the base of my tongue, in the back of my throat and it extends to the base of my skull at the foramen magnum.
     There is a video on you tube showing how complex the swallowing mechanism is.  I found it fancinating and it is only a few minutes.  Check it out and you will be amazed at what you can learn in just a few minutes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqMCzuIiPaM.  For anybody but me, it may be boring.  It is just something we do and we have done it millions and millions of times.
:
Be mindful of your swallow,  your senses associated with your lips, smell and taste.  Take a little time during this automatic response and be grateful it is so easy and wonderful.  Life is so grand and wonderful because we have this ability.  Namaste

Eating

     I am not a very big guy.  One hundred and fifty pounds is a good weight for me, but not my fighting weight.  That would be about one hundred and forty-four and a half pounds. When I found out I had cancer, I weighed about 153 lbs.  Within a couple of weeks I had lost 10 lbs.  Yea, am I gonna be fast on the bike this year.  (fast compared to what?  Ha)  But unfortunately, that is how our/my brain works.  This week I dropped to 140 lbs.  Perfect: that is right where I want to be when I end this thing and get an appetite back.   But it's not where THEY want me be to.  However, I still have 4-5 weeks to go and then some to begin to recover.  At that rate I guess I will weigh about 127 lbs by the end of March.  Wow, that is thin, thin, thin.  I can't let that happen,  My goal is to stay above 140 lbs.  That may be hard, but I will give it a go.  Jane is helping immensely and so are a lot of friends and family.  Thank you all for all the delicious meals.  (Wish I could taste them more fully.  Jane says they are awesome.)  
     Eating has been one of the hardest things to do.  First of all, I am not doing any of my usual activities.  Second, I am mildly to moderately nauseated at any given moment.  Third,  most everything I eat tastes the same; very bland and not very appetizing.  Fourth, my throat hurts and it is difficult to swallow.  It seems like a constant trial to continue to eat.  Even using the G-tube makes me feel full and nauseated.  
     They need to come up with a pill that has the four above side-effects. Now that would be one successful diet pill.
     I've decided to eat the best I can.  I am not too worried.  I think my body can handle the weight loss.  When I regain my taste and appetite, I will probably be back to trying to lose a pound or two so I can climb that hill a little quicker or grasp that 5-12 rock climb that is just beyond my reach.  I hope in April and/or May things start to taste good again.  From this experience I have learned to always try and eat more slowly, enjoy the time, and chew  every  bite  more  fully. I will try to eat less quickly.  (In medicine, especially surgery, I was taught to eat really, really fast and get back to work) Enjoy flavors and sip my wine.  I am grateful for food and I am grateful that it doesn't agree with me right now.  I will always have a greater appreciation for it in the future.
   

One of my favorite meals.  Fresh sauteed  scallops in garlic and olive oil.  Fresh garden salad and grilled sweet potatoes with a dash of brown sugar.  It all goes well with a nice white pinot gris.  Can't wait.........

Half Way

My radiation team

Well, it's Friday and I just finished my 18th radiation treatment.  I am calling this the half way point. I actually have 37 treatments (so half would be to finish the 19th) but I will give them a free one on me at the end.  It seems like a long time coming.  Dr Ying said the second half will feel a lot longer than the first half.  So far, it has not been quite as bad as I was anticipating.  The fatigue is intense, more than I thought, but I am hanging in there with pain, swallowing and dealing.  Talking is getting harder; my voice is raspy and it seems like an effort to get any words out. 
     Do you believe in fate?  I think it is possible once in awhile, but on a day to day basis, I think I believe in opportunity.  Or creating opportunity, or seizing opportunity when it arises.  Sometimes, things have to fall into place to get started, but then it becomes up to you to run with it.  I also believe weird and strange shit happens. And it is not out of the realm of possibility that the stars have lined up for you or an event to have an incredible effect on someone or something that needs it at a specific time.
      Did I become a doctor to help someone that is going to effect the world in a positive way?  Have I helped the future president or CEO of a company willing to save our ailing planet?  I hope so. Is my job done as a physician?  Did I get this cancer to change my course?  I don't know, but I wonder.  I don't think I will stop practicing medicine for awhile, unless I couldn't do it well.  But what about changing course?  Should I become more spiritual?  Should I seek out a community?  Is there someone out there that needs my help?  Of course there is.  Should I work with a cancer support group for children?  Will something just open up and reveal itself or will I search something out and make it work?  Time will tell.  If I see opportunities arise, you bet I am going to consider them.  If the spirit moves me, I will be open and available when, and if, the time comes. This is how we should live our lives.  Call it fate or opportunity or a journey along the road, whatever.
      Keep your antennas up.  Always be open to talk to people.  They will notice your antennas and will respond to the slightest approach.  You never know what will happen, how small a world it is or what you have in common.  And for those of you who say you are too shy,  get over it.  Who cares if someone you don't know thinks your awkward when you start a conversation - you don't know them anyway.  And in my experience, a short conversation helps both of our days.  Really.
Fate probably does happen.  Serendipity.  Being open.  Interaction.   Communication.  Love, Embrace, and  Engage.    Namaste

Running

I love to run.  I really love to trail run.  Being outside, movement along a trail, seeing, feeling smelling, makes me feel alive.  OK, I have to confess I don't really run anymore; it's more like a shuffle, especially on the hills. But, I am still moving slightly faster than a walk. When I was running, I still would walk a lot.. Every time I would pick it up and move into a slow jog, I just felt so good.  Alive.
     Lately,  I've not felt so alive, at least not the feeling in the for-mentioned paragraph.  Yes, I feel alive in a spiritual and emotional way. But one thing this journey that Jane and I are on is a noticeable lack of energy and ability to do much of anything. They say I am moving into the middle tough part of the treatment.  And from here on out, it will get worse for awhile before it gets better.  I have now heard this from multiple doctors.  I think they are trying to get me ready for something.
     For you runners out there I must be at about mile 10 or 11 of a marathon. It has gone well so far.  But the first tell tale signs of fatigue and soreness are showing up in the legs.  The shoulders are beginning to slump every so slightly.  The energy seems harder to muster and the monotonous pounding of step after step begins to take its toll.
     I sleep a lot.  It is very hard to concentrate.  It is even hard to watch TV or a movie.  The energy in the brain is just not there.  I have at least twenty books by my bedside that I have no interest in reading.  If I try to read, I get through a couple of pages then I am exhausted.  I have little interest in playing my guitar and/or my mandolin, even though I want to. I just can't find the energy.  I guess this is the fatigue they were talking about.  It is a real bummer.  So, I lay down a lot, nap, sleep, meditate. breath and feel like a complete slug.  Jane does everything.  She is the greatest, most natural person I have ever met.  How we met and how she chose me I will never ever understand.  I am just so grateful I am going through this with her.  She is making it all possible.  Really   Namaste. 

 Running the Moab half-marathon trail run.  2013  Two month before diagnosis.  Um, probably had cancer then.  Weird.       

City Slickers Part 2

Ok, Ok, stop with sending the money.  I now have several million in Monopoly money.  Darn, I should have specified US currency only.  Oh well, wasn't that good of an idea anyway.  Jane wanted to edit that out.   So this is my take on what that "one thing" was that Curly was talking about. I know it might mean different things to different people and interpretation is open to speculation, but this is my take.

     The one thing is "YOU".  Wow sounds kind of egotistical or narcissistic.  But believe me, it is not, unless used inappropriately.  You are the ONLY thing you have control over in this journey we are on.  You have no control over anything or anyone else.  So what is the only thing you can effect that will have a positive or negative impact on the people, places or things?  YOU.

     Now that you realize you CAN'T change that annoying friend or your nagging spouse, you need to focus on yourself.  So the important thing is how you can change and what you want to become.  We are a blank canvas when we are born.  As we grow and progress we obtain many attachments and may obtain bad habits from friends, family, and parents.   Now, don't go blaming them for your bad habits, they may have been raised by the same people with the same issues.  We need to begin repainting our own canvas when we realize that we can or need  to have a positive influence on the people, animals and enviroment on this earth.

When YOU decide to repaint your canvas, then it gets interesting.  You begin a journey; a journey to paradise.  The journey may be difficult and long, it may be unsuccessful.  It may take many tries to find your path.  It may take you into your sixties, seventies or eighties to realize the importance of making yourself happy. You can not have a positive influence on others and this earth without first having a positive influence on yourself. Period.  If you paint yourself as a compassionate, kind, supporting, loving and happy person, you will start to see the world in technicolor.  Days will be brighter, the sky bluer, trees greener.  And every person you meet will become closer, friendlier and you will feel a need to take an interst in them. 
    



Jane and I painting our canvas.

All those other illusions of success, power, money, cars, suits, one hundred dollar haircuts, all the ego boosters, will slowly melt from the forefront to the back burner.  I am not saying societal goals are all bad and that we should not work toward these.  I am saying they need to be placed in their proper priority,  Also, if you chase these societal goals with your new goal of being a better, nicer and happier person and a person that makes it a better place for those around you, then your life will be full and happy, successful and blessed.  Nameste. 

PS  Back to City Slickers,  I think Curly actually meant "family" as the ONE thing.  But you can't be a positive influence on your family unless you repaint your canvas and make it a priority in your life.