What to expect?

Wednesday, May 28th

     As my eyes barely open through the crust of the night, I wonder how I will feel.  First, I check my throat.  Of course it's dry, but how dry is it?  Sometimes super dry;  can't get my tongue, unstuck from the roof of my mouth.  Sometimes I can't talk until I get a little water in.  Once that's done, I know a little more.  Lifting my fat, heavy head off the pillow is the next test.  If I lift it up but I have to lay right back down again, that's not a good sign.  If I can shuffle to the bathroom and do my duty without passing out,  then that's better.   Then, if I stand there for a minute and I don't feel like laying down, hey, it might be a good day.
     I am hoping for more good days.  I slept till 11 am this morning.  It wasn't "Oh I'll just lay here for a few minutes, then get up." NO, I slept (out cold) till 11 am.  And it felt good.  I don't know why but I think I needed that extra rest.  Hopefully, it helps the overall need for energy I have.
     Katie has been texting me daily inspirations and telling me things that she is grateful for.  She also tells me what she is going to work on that day to be a better human being.  Compassion, being happy.  helping a stranger, meeting a new person, making work a happier place for all, etc. etc.  I've been doing the same and I can not tell you how much that has helped me refocus my priorities on my journey.  I hope we do this forever, it is really grand and wonderful.

Thursday, May 29th

Ron, my big brother, circa 1976

     Talking about what to and what not to expect, sometimes life throws you one from out in right field.
   My little brother, Mark, called me today to relay some sad news.  I have a big brother, Ron.  A real lone wolf, that guy.  And I have to say, I didn't live his life, but I am sure it was pretty interesting.  Ron was a lot like my dad.  Both enjoyed being alone, they had very few friends but the ones they had, were really close.  Once Ron left the proximity of the family, (which was in the early 70's) he didn't stay in touch much.  I talked to him about every ten years or so.  Sad, isn't it?  My little brother stayed in better touch, but it was always Mark making the effort.  Ron, by all reports, was living off the grid; he had a few legal issues tailing him from years ago.  He bought a house, but put it in a friend's name. He had no cell phone, email, or any easy way to contact him except through this one friend.   He didn't have an identifiable job for the last 15 years or so, but he did work a lot on cars and motorcycles.  I heard he restored a dentist's early year corvette in exchange for some dental work.  If you were Ron's friend he was one of those guys that would help you out with anything you needed.
   Now, back to this morning. Mark, my little brother, said a friend of Ron's hadn't heard from him for a few days so went to his house this morning. He found Ron dead.  Looks like natural causes, but he was only 64.  I spoke to him last month over Skype during my Mom's 90th Birthday party,  and he looked as well as I have ever seen him.  He had lost weight (which was good), his teeth looked great and he was very talkative and interactive, especially with my mom.  This has hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wish I had talked to him more, even though he made that hard.  I hope he knew I loved him, even though he made that hard, too.  When one of your brothers dies, I am just learning, it leaves hole where once there had been none.
namaste