What next?

     Well, its late April.  I had been hoping to start a little exercising around this time, as I considered my recovery, but no dice.  Instead I am dealing with fatigue, fatigue, fatigue.  The pain is getting better and it is easier to swallow.  Thankful for that.   But if it is not one thing, it is another.  Fatigue, overwhelming, unbelievable, really.  I get tired lifting my head off a pillow.  I go to the bathroom, stop in the kitchen, say hello to Jane and I need another nap.  For the last week I have slept 16 or so hours a day.  I am sick of sleeping but it just seems to be part of me now.  I don't fight it.  I figure my body must need it.  There is no way not to really.  Just go with the flow.
     My Mom turned 90 this week.  My brother had a party for her in Newport, California.  I had to miss it.   No way I could travel in this condition, and when I got there, I'd have to go to bed.  We faced-timed and that was the next best thing.  Even 15 minutes of face-time exhausted me and off to sleep I went.
     Eating is a chore.  Laying in bed doesn't build much of an appetite and sleeping til 3 or 4 every afternoon doesn't leave much time to eat.  So I eat as much as I can when I sleep.  Its not fun eating from a pump at night.  Waking up half nauseated from a liter of ensure stuffed in your gut.  Oh, yummy.  I've read about this phase of recovery and talked to a few folks.  It is accepted as very frustrating but must get through it. Don't let it get me down, wait a few more days hoping to feel better.  Everything else has eased and if I get some energy, strength, endurance and power back, I may start to feel OK about all this treatment.  Until then,  The fatigue portion sucks, being exhausted sucks. and yes Cancer Sucks. 
     How on earth can I weigh 134 lbs?  I started at 154 or so.  I figure I am down about 20 lbs.  And I have not done a thing except walk around the block once a day.  Other than that, nothing.  Keeping a stable weight is hard,  frustrating also.  Half the time I am nauseated, the other half I am asleep.  The next week I have to focus on getting back up to 136 or more so Ensure here I come.  I want to start just eating oral (normalish) food.  I've been trying but so far only managed cereal in the morning and some soup at night.  No appetite and everything,

and I mean everything tastes weird.  I've been dreaming of food and what I would really want is a GREAT Hamburger, fries and a beer, tasting the way they used to taste.  I hope I get back to that place one of these days.  Namaste